Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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