I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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