Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Randomize
