I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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