I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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