I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I think i got beer on your cat.
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