You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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