My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
