I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
