I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
