he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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