they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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