another moral hangover. fuck.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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