i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i think i just lost a toe
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
