I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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