i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
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I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
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Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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