I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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