He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
