I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
