I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
