I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
