I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
