it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
