What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
