Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
