So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
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She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
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I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
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