the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
