A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
