If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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