Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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