Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
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