dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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