I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
