he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
