So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
where are my eyebrows?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
