The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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