I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
