You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
