I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
