Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
