like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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