I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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