Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
