Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
