well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
