Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
