I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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