Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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