Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
