the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
