i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
