I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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