i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
