you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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