Nicole vs. Life
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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