But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
