I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
